This Is Who I Really Am
by PhaiFan
Summary: "Many claim to know me. Very few do." Hephaestion sets the record straight. (Not historically complete or accurate, since there is much we don't know about him. Some is historical, and some I embellished).
1. Chapter 1

Many claim to know me. Very few do.

So much has been written about me that is inaccurate or simply not true. There are many misconceptions about me – my life, my career, and my relationships. I find so many out there that do not have very high opinion of me, for reasons I can only suspect have something to do with envy and jealousy, and have a low opinion of the type of things that I do. I have been called argumentative, spiteful, a poor soldier, a sycophant, difficult, and even 'fundamentally stupid'. I have been accused of sleeping my way to the top. I have been portrayed as weak, emotional, and even as rather effeminate.

I find myself wanting to set the record straight on some things, if for no other reason than to vent my frustrations. Whether this will change anyone's opinion of me or not is irrelevant. I do not care what most think of me, for there is only one whose opinion matters. To degrade me is to insult him, and is an affront to his judgment. And that is precisely why I write this. I will not have his character and leadership put into question.

To insinuate that Alexander would be foolish enough to risk his empire and his dreams by giving command positions based on personal affections is highly insulting to him. He did not become the king of the known world by making poor decisions. He has never done such a thing.

I suppose, then, I should start at the beginning.

I am the son of a Nobleman, and my father, Amyntor, was active in the court of King Philip of Macedon. Contrary to what many say (in a derogatory manner I might add) I am _not_ Athenian. My family does have ties in Athens, but I was born in Pella. My family was wealthy and we had a large estate in the hills.

I was not some poor, mistreated child who was taken in out of pity and owed my entire life to the charity of those who felt sorry for me. Not quite. Unlike Patroclus, I had two parents who loved me. I was cherished and lacked for nothing. When I was old enough, I was chosen to be part of a small group of boys going to Mieza to be educated by Aristotle. King Philip hand-picked a group of us that he thought would be loyal to his son…his future hetairoi and companions.

Which brings me to Alexander….

Truth be told, I didn't like him very much at first. We met when I was 8 years old. He was a year younger than me, but he seemed quite immature. My first impression was that he was an arrogant, spoiled brat who expected to get his way all the time. Most of the time, being the son of the King, he did. I was taught to have pride in myself and maintain a sense of dignity at all times, so I refused to fawn all over him like most of the others. I did not hesitate to beat him at wrestling or any other competition. At first he was angry, and we actually came to blows once until our fathers broke it up. I remember them laughing and telling us we deserved each other.

I earned Alexander's respect that day, and we never fought again.

After that, Alexander seemed to look for opportunities to be with me. He always chose me to be on his team in the games we played, and always wanted to wrestle me. He still never beat me. After spending so much time with him, I came to understand a few things about him. Alexander had a side that he dared not show to anyone else. He was vulnerable, and he was insecure. Yes, I know. It's hard to imagine the Great King Alexander as insecure, but believe me…it's there. And I know why.

I blame his parents. They constantly used him against each other, and it seemed he never quite measured up to what one or the other of them thought he should do. For that, I will never forgive them. But, I digress. I should get on with history.

When we went to Mieza, Alexander insisted that we share a room. By this time, we were about 14 and had spent several years as close friends. I already had his respect and his trust, but during our time at the Temple of the Nymphs, I earned something else. His heart. I already loved him but didn't dare allow myself to express those sorts of feelings. I never dreamed he would feel the same until I was approached by someone else who showed interest in me. Jealousy reared its head and Alexander, with much trepidation, finally came clean and told me how he felt. At Mieza, we became what Aristotle described as "one soul in two bodies", fell head over heels in love with each other, and became lovers. We have been that ever since, even though many think we should have ended it.

Never.

That is, however, the crux of many of the misconceptions about me. If anyone thinks that being the best friend, lover and confidant of the prince earned me any favoritism, they would be sadly mistaken. If anything, there was more expected of me than the others. To be the companion of the future king, I had to be the best. I knew all eyes would be on me at times, and I knew I would always have a target on my back…a price I willingly accepted.

After Mieza, we returned to Pella, and our military training got serious. I served Philip as one of the Royal Pages, as did the others. Once I got lashes for falling asleep at my post, a mistake I never made again. We practiced maneuvers with the phalanx and honed our skills with sword and lance. I rode beside Alexander during his first battle against the Thracian tribe, and again at Chaeronea, where he led he cavalry. We made our first kills side by side.

I should condense this history, otherwise I will be writing for days. So…here is my career in a nutshell.

Let me say first that I have never aspired to greatness. I never craved the glory and attention. The only thing I have ever aspired to is to do anything and everything to help Alexander achieve those very things himself.

Once Alexander became King, I vowed to give my all to be the man he needed me to be. I rose through the ranks just like everyone else. As before, I did not receive any special treatment or preferential assignments because of my friendship with Alexander. Even if he had offered, I would never have allowed it. Anything I got was earned by my own merit. I realize this flies in the face of what many believe, and I am aware that I will not change the mind of those persons, not that I much care.

Early on, I fought with the Companion Cavalry. I was always at the head the charge, often beside Alexander himself. All of the wounds I have received, and there are quite a few, are in the front. Not once have I run from a battle or a challenge.

I rode into battle at Issus, once again at Alexander's side. Darius fled…the coward, and Alexander chose to proceed down the coast to conquer the Persian ports to cripple their fleet. I received my biggest command duty to date at a town called Sidon. Alexander entrusted me with appointing a new king for the city. My choice may have been unconventional, and was laughed at by some, but Alexander approved, and Abdalonymus proved to be a wise and fair ruler. Alexander's absolute trust in me was humbling and an incredible honor.

I was then put in charge of Alexander's fleet for the siege of Tyre. I was responsible for keeping the army stocked with supplies. I led the fleet along the coast, paralleling the troops on land. It is more important than it sounds. Without this crucial role, the army might have starved due to the harsh terrain as they headed towards Egypt.

My rank at Guagamela was Commander of the Bodyguard. At Guagamela, I received a nasty spear wound in my arm, and it took several months for me to recover from that. The wound in my thigh that I received much later still bothers me from time to time, but it is a small price to pay for the privilege of helping Alexander achieve his dreams.

One of my next command roles was after that nasty business with Philotas, when Alexander split command of the Companion Cavalry between myself and Cleitus. Alexander had his reasons for splitting command of this group, and I understand, and agree with, those. Despite what some think, I was not disappointed that he didn't give the role solely to me.

I was in charge of subduing many of the tribes in Sogdiana and founding cities there. I was entrusted with securing winter supplies for the army at Maracanda. Shortly after that, I was sent with Perdiccas to build a bridge across the Indus and put down any resistance as we went. It was quite a challenge, but we got the job done efficiently and ahead of schedule, much to Alexander's delight.

I was responsible for the main body of the army on entering India. I was given the mission to lead a force against Porus and several Indian tribes. I built and fortified several cities in Porus' land. When Alexander led a force against the Mallians, I was sent on ahead with the bulk of the army to set up a base camp and clean up any retreating Mallians as they fled. I shudder to think about that time, as we all thought Alexander had been killed.

I again led a large part of the army to Patala where we settled and fortified cities and harbors. I was in charge of building up Rhambacia into an Alexandria.

My most recent promotion was to be named Chiliarch, making me second in command of the empire behind Alexander himself. I was stunned, to say the least, but deeply honored that Alexander felt me worthy of such a position.

Now let me address another comment I have heard. There are those who say that I often had joint commands with another general because I wasn't trusted to do it on my own. That is completely untrue. Yes, I did often share command on missions, but this wasn't to "babysit" me. No…it was further proof of Alexander's brilliance and leadership. Let me explain that.

Many of our missions were quite complicated. Some of them involved detailed military strategy, logistical and engineering problems, and diplomatic aspects. In that case, why would you send someone who is mainly skilled in only one or two of those areas? Would it not make more sense to send a team of commanders who could coordinate their efforts on all fronts to assure victory? That is Alexander's reasoning behind the joint commands, and I think it is just further proof of what makes him great.

I know of one person who said that I am "fundamentally stupid". I won't waste my time giving that comment any importance, but I ask you…would an intellectually challenged person keep continued correspondence with Aristotle and Xenocrates? We discuss a great many things, often getting into deep philosophical debates. I doubt either of those men would waste their time writing to me if I wasn't able to have intelligent conversations with them.

And for those who still think I made little difference in our battles, let me let you in on a little secret.

I led the advance army from Egypt to bridge the Euphrates river. Darius sent Mazaeus to hold the opposite bank while the bridging work was in progress. Did anyone ever wonder why Mazaeus seemingly threw away what looked like certain victory on the Persian right at the battle of Gaugamela? During our time building the bridges for the army to cross, I managed to convince Mazaeus to talk to me and weigh his options. During the conflict, he withdrew from battle without explanation at a certain point and basically gave Babylon over to Alexander. In return, he was given governorship of the region. Coincidence? I think not. Most will never know that our covert negotiations fixed the result of the battle before the first sword was drawn.

Say what you will, my career has been a distinguished one and I am quite proud of what I have done to help further Alexander's dreams.

I am Hephaestion Amyntoros, and this is who I really am.


	2. Chapter 2

Hephaestion laid down his quill and sat back, stretching his arms and arching his back, now sore from so much time bent over his desk. He glanced out window, noting with surprise that the orange glow of sunset painted the sky. The day had slipped by so quickly, and the gentle rumbling in his stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten since early that morning.

Was he satisfied with what he had written? Looking around at the scattering of wadded up parchments tossed casually around the desk, it certainly seemed that he had put a great deal of effort into getting it just right. He picked up the finished parchment and began to read over what he had written.

"Not bad" he thought. Not bad, but a lot of work for nothing really. He wasn't really sure why he had written it in the first place. It wasn't like anyone would even read it and, if they did, he doubted it would matter much. People would believe whatever they wanted to believe.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice that someone was standing in the doorway to his room, leaning against the doorframe and silently watching him.

"What has you so deep in thought?"

Hephaestion jumped slightly, startled from his reverie. "Alexander! I didn't hear you come in!"

Alexander smiled and walked across the room, sitting down casually on the edge of Hephaestion's desk and glancing down at the mess of papers scattered on the floor. "What on earth have you been working on? I thought you were taking a day off today."

"I was. This wasn't work. It's just something…personal. Nothing of importance really."

Alexander cocked an eyebrow and looked pointedly the mess around the desk. "Doesn't look like something unimportant to me." He reached up and tenderly tucked a strand of hair behind Hephaestion's ear. "You seemed pretty intense when I came in. Talk to me, love. What troubles you?"

Hephaestion held Alexander's gaze for a moment, pondering his response. There was no sense in hiding anything from the other man. They knew each other too well for that. Picking up the finished parchment, he handed it to Alexander with a nod. "Here. Read it."

Alexander was silent as he read, his eyebrows knitting as he absorbed everything Hephaestion had written. After reading over a few parts a second time, he looked up to find Hephaestion watching him apprehensively. He cocked his head, as he had a habit of doing. "Why?"

"Why did I write it?" Hephaestion leaned forward, his elbows on the table, and rested his chin in his hands. "I'm not really sure." He shrugged. "I suppose I get tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes and crude remarks sometimes. I suppose sometimes the lack of respect and downright animosity from some gets old. I grow tired of having to bite my tongue and walk away when I really want to lash out at them, but I know that would only make things worse. I don't dignify their idiocy with a response, but sometimes…." Hephaestion sighed.

Alexander frowned, carefully laying the parchment down on the desk. "I'm sorry, Hephaestion. If I could stop it, I would, but we both know if I interfered it would make things far worse for you. I hate that, but it's true." He met Hephaestion's gaze, smiling gently. "You are the bravest man I know, and more regal and refined than I will ever be. I just wish everyone saw you as I did."

"It's fine, Alexander. I don't need their approval. I guess I just wrote this to get it out of my system. I'm not going to do anything with it." He inclined his head towards the parchment where it lay on the desk. "You can burn it if you want. I don't care. It's not important." Hephaestion stood and half-smiled at Alexander. "Let's go get some supper, and I think I could use a bit of your good wine, too."

Alexander nodded. "You go ahead. I need to take care of something first, but I'll be right behind you."

With a soft smile and a nod, Hephaestion turned and left the room, making his way down the hall. Alexander waited, listening to Hephaestion's footsteps as they grew fainter. Once he was sure Hephaestion was gone, he reached down and picked up the parchment. He carefully rolled it up and used Hephaestion's own wax seal to seal it. Alexander opened the carved wooden chest where Hephaestion kept his some of his personal things and tucked the rolled paper under the old, faded cloak Alexander had given him years ago when they had become lovers.

Whether anyone would ever read it or not, Alexander did not know, but he knew he couldn't throw it away. "It's important to _me._ And so are you." He smiled to himself. "And _I know_ who you really are."

Satisfied, he turned and left the room to join Hephaestion.


End file.
